The battle for golf’s universe could be a film just waiting in the wings to be written

HOW do we summarise what has happened in the world of professional golf in 2023? 

And what is coming before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st?

It really is a Hollywood blockbuster just waiting to be written, don’t you think? 

In fact, maybe it’s already being filmed as we speak. Maybe something along the lines of one of my favourite film franchises, Star Wars – The Revenge of the PIF.

‘A long time ago on a tour far, far away, the seemingly happy peaceful subjects of the PGA Tour Republic were going about their business of becoming different layers of really wealthy but, simmering under the cloak of contentment, there was unrest.’

Now we see an ominous, giant spaceship flying over head towards the Republic looking very much like a Saudi super tower on its side. 

Next scene takes us to one of those bizarre bars with strange looking creatures wearing really loud clothes and foot joy gloves, playing instruments. Some even have those really ancient giant visors on. 

The bar doors quietly slip open and in walks Greg Vader and Count Yasir and with three imposing PIF clone warriors. The band plays on taking centre stage while down the back of the bar there is a table with some kind of clandestine negotiations going on with, just a minute, that’s four of the biggest heroes from the PGA Tour Republic.

Hidden in the corner is a mysterious figure with his face covered by a scarf. But there’s no mistaking that magnificent head of jet-black hair. That’s Jar Jar Shipnuck!

What began as stealthy discussions has now become a full-on war of the galaxies including some of the biggest conflicts the universe has ever seen including – the Battle of the Players Championship.

Ah yes, this was a ripper. 

The PGA Tour Republic’s leader, Emperor Monahan, inflicts what he figured was life-threatening injuries to the PIF empire with designated events with minimum purses of $20m, with fields of 70 players and no 36-hole cut.

“I’ve just come out of a players’ meeting and it’s inspiring to see the continued level of commitment, communication, passion and investment they’re all making in this organisation and the level of competition they are exhibiting while doing so. I’m going to say this: It’s a great time to be a PGA Tour fan and a PGA Tour player.

“We’ll continue to listen to our players that manifests itself through our Player Advisory Council, more conversations we’re having with our players in the coming weeks at tournaments.” 

During that same battle one of the Republic’s most loved troopers, Han Scheffler, used his unique foot movement and upright “lightsabre” plane to take all before him – just as Rory Skywalker did last year in the Canadian Star System. 

But viewers, was there a hint of what was to come that week with this from the emperor, “we’ll listen, we’ll learn and adapt”.

Then, of course, there was the famous “Battle of The Adelaide Sector” – Using four of the greatest bounty hunters at his disposal including The Cam-dalorian, Greg Vader led a magnificent victory for the PIF. 

Even the handsome, charismatic Premier of the Sector, Peter Chewbacca, stepped in, laser in hand and shot some bright red stuff in the general direction of PGA Tour Republic with: “The Commonwealth government over a period of decades has actively chosen to engage with a whole range of very substantial trading partners, and Saudi Arabia is no exception, just pre-Covid only. Like I said, just prior to the pandemic, before borders shut down, South Australia welcomed with open arms the Saudi Arabia defence minister right here in Adelaide at the Land Forces conference without so much as a question from media outlets. 

“We sell extraordinary amounts of barley, beef, lamb, amongst other things to Saudi Arabia. It’s a $3 billion trading partnership between Australia and Saudi Arabia. They are $4 billion worth of active investments in Australia alone.” 

Suddenly, when it seems the war for the universe is in full swing and, it appears this latest George Lucas movie is preparing us for, maybe, just maybe, the last version of its 12th straight trilogy – a dramatic, unforeseen twist materialises like one of those bizarre computerised versions of a mystical hero like, “Benhogan Ken Obe”.

Apparently, there has been another visit to the Bizarre Bar and strike me down with a Heavy Blaster Canon if it’s not bitter enemies Count Yasir and Emperor Monahan. 

What’s even stranger is there’s no sign of Greg Vader or Rory Skywalker. And readers/viewers, we don’t even have an image of it happening! 

So, you all know what we see on the screen next, don’t we? The bloody credits.

It’s the end of the 12th trilogy and now we have to wait, remotes in hand, to see when the next version is released.

I’m on the edge of my cheap well-worn, have I already said cheap, lounge. If all the rumours are true, the release date needs to come before December 31st. 

I guess, until we hear from Jar Jar, we can only assume that’s the case.