You might even go as far as to wonder what it would be like to be out on the town with me (for a start, you would be shouting the first drink and secondly, you would be shouting the second). But the reality is that I have been in a recession for 35 years. You know this when your doctor says to you “Larry you are suffering severe Recession…now that will be $65”.

35 years ago, an innocent, greasy-faced, 30-inch-waisted, 16-year-old kid with a set of Slazenger Jack Nicklaus MK 3’s stepped into the pro-shop to start his new life as a golf pro. A week later I was holding my hand out for my first paycheque of $32, which was followed by a celebration dinner with my girlfriend that cost $35.

The formal definition of “Recession” is the slowing of the Gross Domestic Product for two consecutive quarters. Gross Domestic Product…does that mean money or potatoes grown in your own backyard? In either case, I passed that figure 138 quarters ago!

Other meanings of the term recession, to which I can relate are:

The act of Receding. My sons reckon if my forehead recedes any more I’ll be combing up the hairs on my back to use as a fringe and making sure I don’t turn my head too quickly so people won’t notice my face moves but my hair doesn’t.

To withdraw or shrink .There should be a third element to this definition. - To give my wife way too much reason to break into an hysterical bout of laughter if I accidentally drop the towel when I walk out of the ensuite.

What about some of the synonyms:

Bankrupture: Isn’t that when you knee your bank manager in the gonads?

Bust: The only thing not receding in my recession is my weight. I now have man boobs that very soon could see me running up a beach in slow motion wearing a red one-piece. I’ve thought of going to the gym but then I say to myself…don’t fight it…use it. With a bit of work, I reckon I could wind up auditioning for Baywatch II, Return of the Silicon. The word is it will break records at the Botox Office!

One of my drinking mates told me the other day that the practise of Lipo-Suctioning was created in Italy and Lipo is Italian for lips. “They take it from your backside and put it into your lips”, my old mate, Maximus told me. “Apparently it works a treat…. well after you get rid of that funny taste”. Max went on to say.

Slump: The posture my editor, Richard, assumes when he receives my column each month.

Decline: His description of the moral fibre of my column each month.

Collapse: My left wrist at impact

Downturn: My clubhead speed

Stagnation: Used to be called my pre-shot routine.

You might say I’m something of an expert at being a golfer in a recession. What’s more, I’m not alone. Golfers everywhere are suffering from recession; some to the point where they are struggling to play golf at all. I put it down to three main factors.

1. With work and family commitments, we just don’t have the time anymore.
2. The price of golf balls and the ease in which we lose them.
3. Golf really gives us the Sh#%*s

OK, forget the third factor, but I reckon I have a solution to the other two.

The game of golf has been built on the individual’s honesty, honour and integrity to the point where the player is not only relied upon to uphold the rules and ethics of the game but also to call a penalty on himself even when no one else see’s the infringement. There are probably religions with less devotion to moral values than golf.

So it makes sense to me that we should take this level of personal integrity to the next stage and save a bloody fortune at the same time.

My idea is to play golf without the ball.

I call it “No Balls Golf”, some of my playing partners would probably suggest that’s the way I’ve played for some time. We all know enough about our own swings to have a pretty good idea where our ball would have gone. C’mon, be honest, how many times have you gone through that “Visualisation practise swing” and finished with one eye pretending to watch the ball sailing off on the perfect arc towards the target and the other more honest eye seeing it sailing off over the fence?

I compare my new game to phone sex. You can have all the fun but without the need for using the very thing that gets you into all the trouble.

There are some issues I have yet to refine in “No Balls Golf” including some of the traditional golf phrases. But with some slight modifications I reckon it can work. For example: “Better swing a provisional Mate….that could be Out of Bounds”. “ You guys play through…Larry’s lost his swing again”. “Wow Larry! You are really swinging well today. Have you been taking lessons?”

There will be those who choose not to take this new game seriously and we will need to weed them out from the start. If you hear someone calling out “Fore!” then they are to be reported immediately after completing your round. And the minute you see one of your playing partners deliberately claiming to be missing a bunch of putts towards the end of the round, tell the club officials and he will be dealt with appropriately. Keep an eye out for these characters when the “Golf With No Balls” Club Championships are getting close.

I know its early days but I can also see this form of golf going to the 19th hole. How much could you save if you drank beer with no beer in the glass?. “G’Day Roy…can I have two schooners of New, a schooner of Carlton and… a middy of lite for me, I have to drive”. “That’ll be ….nothing thanks Larry”.

If you can think of a way that my “Golf’s answer to the recession” could be used when playing the pokies, please email my editor, Richard Fellner, ASAP. Is it taking it a bit too far if one day we were to see people jogging around in the car park while holding a steering wheel in their hands?