It's time to hand out the gongs for 08, and the winners are.....

I have been a little confused lately. I put it down to the amount of alcohol I have consumed over Christmas and New Year. I reckon the residue of my liver could be squeezed into the fuel tank of the Shuttle which could then fly to Mars, pick up any more members of Jesper Parnevik’s family that missed the last flight and be back before John Daly missed his next cut. Now I know what you’re thinking, Larry has had an absolute blast over Christmas and I have no sympathy at all. The reality is that I sunk those skoobers for other people, not myself.

You know what’s even worse? Now that I want to have a couple of quiet ones with a mate because….well I want one for me, they’re having their annual, “month off the sauce”.

I’ve had to scour the streets to find someone who wants to have a beer with me. Eventually I found a really nice bloke who was wearing a motley old coat and a beaten up Callaway cap who offered me a spot on his park bench in return for a stubby of Extra Dry. It turned out that he was a golf pro who had tried to make a living out of retail. He told me not to mention the cap to anyone because he still owed $25 on it and it had just gone into 90 days.

My confusion hasn’t been made any easier by the perplexing issue of deadlines. I’m never sure when I’m supposed to have my column finished and what month I’m actually writing in. The only guidelines I get are the random phone calls from Inside Social Golf’s editor, Rod Morri.

The first one, which seems to come at any time of the month, goes along the lines of “G’day Lazz, we’re coming up to deadline for next month's issue”. The next one, which comes a few days later, is. “Larry…we are getting short of time. Can you please send me the column! ?” Then I’ll get the old, “Hey Dickhead, send me the column now or I will use your scrotum to make my new swimming cap!”

The last call usually does the trick but the bottom line is I don’t really have a clue as to when the next column is due and what month of the year it will go into! For this reason I’m going to offer my annual awards for 2008, (which could well appear in July’s issue or last September’s). The first award is for the player most likely to get kicked out of the PGA during 2008. Why don’t we name this one the ……ah lets see… “The John Daly”?

Nominations are – The entire field of the US Open for letting a bloke with a busted leg beat the bloody lot of you.

The only player who came close to Tibia Woods that week was a dude named Rocco who lived up to his namesake. Rock didn’t win but did enough damage to the champ to put him out of action for 6 months.

Another who comes into the picture for this award would have to be the European Ryder Cup captain Nick Faldo. Leaving Darren Clark, who is probably the most respected and loved golfer in the world, off the team in favour of Ian Poulter was a stroke of sheer genius! If you wanted to lose. I think Captain Bligh had a better understanding of team unity than Faldo.

The winner of the “John Daly” this year is in fact John Daly. Despite attempting to take out an Australian Eucalypt with a cheap Kodak and getting arrested for being on the turps outside a Hooters Bar, the offence that really did it for me was footage of him playing golf without his shirt! I don’t care if he owned that course, he should have got at least six months suspension. In fact he did.

My next award is the “Charlton Heston”, for the player most likely to part the Red Sea

Katherine Hull gets the first mention for her speech after wining the Canadian Open. I think at one point she suggested that the Basilica should be moved to Canada and renamed the Bamfsilica

Also Zach Johnson when he ended a 2-year drought by winning the Texas Open. He thanked Jesus for brining him out of the slump and his coach for putting him in it.

But the winner is…..John Daly……just kidding.

Aaron Baddely takes the “Charlton Heston” for changing what some would consider an already good swing into the new “Stack and Tilt” method. Its no coincidence that this is the same motion the Romans used when they were stoning the Christians.

The pro most in need of a comb-over. Lets call this the “Donald Trump”

Jim Furyk has one of the most unusual golf swings and also one of the weirdest scones on the planet. When Jim takes off his cap, his head looks like something you buy at Sexpo, and I’m not talking about another cap.

Stewart Cink gets a nomination for being in possession of not only a nude nut but also the smallest head outside of the Amazon. I reckon one day I will spot Stew behind glass in a museum with his lips sewn up.

Former Aussie Tour Player turned commentator, Grant Dodd, takes the “Donald Trump” for standing in front of millions of TV viewers at the Australian PGA with a head that resembled a boiled egg. Doddy was the MC and did a great job and the whole thing went really well, despite security having to intercept a guy who tried to storm the stage with a piece of toast and a spoon.

My final award is for the Professional who is probably going to have more sex than me, during 2009. It’s called the “Hugh Heafner”.

The nominee’s are-Peter Thomson, Pope Benedict XV1 and Humphrey B Bear. I know the kiddies won’t be happy with my choice but lets face it….Humprey is the only candidate who feels that it’s cool walking around with gorgeous babes on national TV with no pants on.

If Rod Morri puts this column in somewhere near the beginning of the year then Happy New Year, if not than have a great Queens Birthday.

(ED: How's that March column coming along mate? We're getting short of time and I need a new swimming cap....)