IT’S that time of the year again. Yep, it’s the silly season and Inside Golf’s Brian Eagle has put forward 20 suggested new Rules for 2011. To those really serious so-called Rules experts who think we are poking fun at the game, we say “lighten up”.

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Cartoon by Al Rose

New Rule: New South Wales professional Kurt Barnes to be barred from visiting John Daly’s clothier.

New Rule: Golf officials must find a recognisable ‘face’ of the game – not Greg Norman. The Shark is still “the man”, but he’s definitely repaid his debt to Australian golf.

New Rule: Television stations to hire cameramen who don’t recognise Tiger Woods.

New Rule: Television broadcasters must not present tournament golf as a putting competition.

New Rule: Professionals must make time to talk to spectators and sign autographs after each day’s play. Throwing a golf ball to a child is fine, but imagine the joy if the pros stopped and talked to the fans.

New Rule: Golf officials to realise the more spectators are involved the more there are.

New Rule: Photographers must stop taking photographs of Mrs Norman’s fingers – all three (wives, not fingers, Phil).

New Rule: Senior golfer Peter Senior must stop taking candy from babies in the second tier events – go get ém Pete.

New Rule: Gary Player must stop telling everyone he still does 1000 push-ups a day at the age of 75. It makes armchair critics tired.

New Rule: Outspoken greenies must stand on the first tee and let John Daly have a free hit at them – using his driver, of course. We are sick of tree huggers trying to stop golf courses being built.

New Rule: A tournament winner must give the mind credit for winning a championship. We always hear, “I drove the ball well all week” or “my putter was on fire today”. It’s all in the head. Didn’t Ian Baker-Finch say golf is 90 per cent mental and 10 per cent is in the head?

New Rule: If a golfer’s golf ball lands within a metre of a brown snake, he can ask his caddie to play the shot for him.

New Rule: Golf commentators must stop saying, “Tiger wasn’t happy with a 69.” Sometimes when you are not on top of your game a 69 is alright.

New Rule: No more stories about John Daly’s miracle weight-loss program. We know he lost 90kg and looks decidedly thinner in fancy, colourful gear.

New Rule: Touring professionals must no longer credit God for a win. Surely, God has more important work to do.

New Rule: Touring professionals must smile at least once during a round. Come on, guys and girls, show us your laughing gear. It’s not like you’re in Afghanistan firing golf balls at the Taliban.

New Rule: America’s top professionals must play at least five tournaments outside of the US without getting paid appearance money. You’re only a champion if you can win world-wide like Nicklaus, Player, Palmer, Els, Webb, Davies and co.

New Rule: Anyone identified screaming “get in the hole” as a player tees off must be forced to carry that player’s bag and a sign displaying the words, “I’m a thick idiot and an embarrassment to my family and friends”.

New Rule: No more lame jokes about Tiger Woods. He’s a professional athlete and shouldn’t be mocked. Yeah, right. By the way, did you hear the one about Tiger …(only joking).

New Rule: John Daly has to host a reality television show with Shane Warne.

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One Response to "20 new golf rules for 2011"

  1. john jeppesen  September 11, 2011

    excellent reading and truly a mag right up there with the best. keep up the great work.
    only concern according to my kids and grandkids, is that you still after about 50 years, still use feet and inches etc. they dont mind providing you do so by printing that old system in brackets and use their taught australian system of measurement in the main.
    Once again, great work but think of readers under the age of 60 or 70.

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